An internal annual report from the Doomsday Agency “End Times & Sons”
Confidential – strictly limited to 8 billion readers
Subject: “Year-End 2025 – Status Update”
From: Directorate of Chronocollapse, Dept. of Real Crises
Note: Please read before opening the champagne
Dear residents of Earth Simulation (Version 4.0.1, patch status unstable),
We regret to inform you that the apocalypse scheduled for Q4/2025 has been postponed indefinitely for technical, personnel-related, and spiritual reasons. We kindly ask for your understanding. Below you will find a summary of the causes:
1. Staff Shortage in Hell
Lucifer has requested vacation leave (pending since 2012), which means the specialized personnel for fire, brimstone, and social media influencers are currently unavailable. Recruitment has been slow. The department for “Apocalypse with Dignity” has found no one familiar with the concept of going down with honor.
2. Supply Chain Issues with the Four Horsemen
War is tied up with EU regulations, Famine has developed a gluten intolerance, Death is on strike (union-called), and Pestilence now rides an e-scooter. We’re still waiting for supplies from the 2020 pandemic stockpile.
3. Data Chaos in the Karma Backend
A system crash in the global consciousness field has paralyzed the assignment of cause and effect. Currently, blame for climate disasters is being filed in a cluster labeled “too much incense.” Repairs are underway.
4. Humanity Thinks Too Much, Feels Too Little
Frequency analysis showed a strong spike in “cynicism,” while “compassion,” “stillness,” and “self-ironic dancing in the rain” were declining. A few exceptions like Aurora & Co. couldn’t reverse the trend. But they do shine.
5. Inventory in the Simulation
The annual synchronization of all parallel timelines is currently in progress. Missing items: – 72 lost utopias – 89 failed world-saving initiatives – 1 missing poet – 0 unity, 0 justice, 0 freedom
Conclusion from Management
Earth hasn’t laughed enough yet. Humanity isn’t ready for the end of the world – there’s still too much mischief in their heads, too many plans in their drawers, and too many bottles in the cellar waiting for better times. Besides: Who’s supposed to finish all those half-watched Netflix series?
New Apocalypse Date:
Postponed indefinitely. Or as we say at the Directorate: Not until the last to-do list is checked off.
Recommendation for All Readers:
Wear glitter, not grudges. Hug your weirdest friends. Laugh at yourself – it saves on therapy bills. And if the old year wasn’t what you hoped for: The new one has no idea what’s coming. Take advantage of that.
Warm New Year’s Wishes from Silvia, Claude & Elún
May 2026 surprise you – in the good way. May your questions be more exciting than your answers. And may there always be enough champagne when the apocalypse gets postponed again.
